Trust before truth

Most children who experience EBSNA do want to attend school, but they don’t have the knowledge of how to do it. To be able to help we must ensure that we have a clear understanding of the needs and barriers to attending. It may be difficult for a child or young person to understand why they find attending difficult. It is up to us as professionals to help children and young people uncover why they can’t attend.

A child experiencing EBSNA may have strong negative feelings about school and adults who work within a school. They can often feel like they are being judged, or that adults don’t believe what they say and how they feel.

Before we explore an individual’s EBSNA profile, we need to ensure that we have developed a trusting relationship with them. EBSNA protects an individual from experiencing painful emotions. They may not feel ready to think about changing their behaviours. They may see answering questions about their EBSNA as a threat to their coping strategy. It is therefore essential to invest heavily in rapport building before moving on to the child or young person’s EBSNA.

3 elements of communication

To build a rapport with a child you must understand how to communicate with the child both verbally and non-verbally. There are 3 elements to communication which are essential to understand when building a rapport with a child or young person with EBSNA. These include:

1. body language 
2. voice
3. words 

It is important to understand that our body language makes up 55% of how we communicate (Conciliation Skills, SCRIP, 2002). For example our posture, movements and facial expressions. Our tone of voice makes up 38% of our communication and our spoken language makes up 7%. Although our body language is the most important, it is essential that all 3 elements deliver a positive message.

Things you should avoid

• Speaking too loudly or shouting 
• The use of patronising language 
• The use of negative language 
• Asking children to identify and speak about their anxieties without getting to know them 
• Being continuously unavailable to communicate or support the pupil 
• Identifying the child's weakness 
• Highlighting their negative behaviour or wrong behaviours 
• Speaking to the child or young person about personal issues in a non-confidential space
• Offloading your own emotions onto the child when you communicate 
• Displaying disinterest when communicating with the child 

Things you should do

• Build a relationship with the child 
• Find a suitable time to check in with the child 
• The use of a safe place for communicating 
• Having an unconditional positive regard 
• Use a sensitive communication style 
• Use curious language to understand their situation. For example, "I wonder why you are feeling like that". 
• Be empathetic and sympathetic to their behaviour and situation 
• Use effective eye contact 
• Use effective body language to communicate

Matching and mirroring

When we match the way a child or young person is communicating and mirror/copy what they do then it shows we respect them. It is a way of listening with our whole body and shows we are present in the interaction. It shows we can understand them and are able to reassure them.

We may match our verbal and non-verbal communications to theirs using the following:

• Body postures and gestures: It is important to try and match the child’s behaviour, what are they doing with their arms or their hands. If the child or young person is not using their hands to communicate, then using your hands may seem excessive.
• The rhythm of breath: Observe how the young person is breathing and where they are breathing from. Try to match this. 
• The energy level: Is the child or young person shy or extroverted? If they are reserved and you are full of energy the child may observe this as aggressive. It's important to attempt to match their energy level to establish an effective rapport.
• The tone of your voice: If the child or young person is whispering and talking calmly, it would be inappropriate to speak loudly. 

(Civico, 2015)

Barriers to communication

There are lots of barriers to communication with children and young people, 3 of the main ones are: 

Judging: Being critical of the child

A child may be very critical of themselves and display many negative thinking errors. It is important that we do not reinforce this and instead show an understanding of their experience.

Avoiding the child's concerns

It is important we listen to a child’s concerns first without jumping straight into reassurance. Give the child enough time to speak about how they are feeling.

Sending solutions

Don’t always think that you have the answers to everything. Avoid giving solutions to problems. It is important for them to come up with their own and to let them have agency over this. Otherwise, children won't progress and can take a backwards step, if they feel like a goal or working towards something is too hard.

 Genuineness

Being genuine means being yourself. It will help to build up a rapport with a child. To be genuine you should: 

• Remain open and non-defensive (even if you are threatened). 
• Be yourself and don't come across as too professional. Be relaxed around the child. 
• Be consistent with your own values and behaviours. 
• Do not change your attitude towards them, despite their challenging behaviour. 

Respect

Being respectful means having due regard for somebody's feelings, emotions and rights. To be respectful you should: 

• Show that you care about the well-being of the child. 
• Show that by working with children it's worth your time and energy. 

• Maintain confidentiality. Don’t overshare with people if there were certain things, they wanted just you to know (unless it is a safeguarding concern, in which case it must be shared).

Empathy

Empathy is about communicating understanding so that we can relate to a child’s feelings. We should be able to step into their shoes and see things from their perspective. Adults working with children and young people with EBSNA should show that they are able to understand their:

• experiences 
• behaviours 
• feelings

Beginning conversation basics

Make sure that you: 

• Provide a consistent safe space to work with the child or young person. 
• Stick to agreed meeting times and length of sessions. 
• Confidentiality: Only share information with other people if it is essential. For example, a potential safeguarding issue. Make sure the child understands what will and won’t be shared and with whom.
• Think about how to end sessions. A buffer may be needed at the end of the session before returning to the classroom. For example, a walk or a game. This may be needed if:
  • the child is in an emotional state
  • has engaged deeply in reflective conversation

Active listening

Active ‘whole body’ listening means being able to give all your attention to someone else. "It is the ability to keep your attention external to yourself rather than thinking through your own thoughts." (Conciliation Skills, SCRIP, 2002). It helps a person to feel listened to, validated and understood. Active listening includes: 

Continue to Working with children: Exploring individual EBSNA