The aim of this toolkit is to support all practitioners in Buckinghamshire to understand:

1. what parental conflict is
2. how it impacts on children and young people’s outcomes

It aims to provide practical tools and resources to support families affected by conflict. This is part of Buckinghamshire Council's Reducing Parental Conflict (RPC) offer, commissioned by the Department of Work and Pensions.

Supporting healthy relationships in families is everybody’s business. All professionals working across the continuum of needs can provide support. This includes but is not subject to:

• education 
• health 
• early help
• children's social care 
• housing 
• police
• community and voluntary sector 
• early years settings

When we use the term 'Practitioners', we are describing anybody who works directly with families. For example: 

1. A volunteer supporting a parent in a community play session. 
2. A teaching assistant having a conversation at the school gates. 
3. A health visitor carrying out a home visit. 
4. A youth worker providing direct work for a young person. 

Each of these scenarios includes practitioners who can support families experiencing challenges at key transition points. By using already built skills and further knowledge from this toolkit we can:

1. provide clear and consistent messages
2. highlight the importance of strong, conflict-free family relationships

This toolkit is a pool of information, tools, and resources. It is not a structured programme of work or intervention. Any practitioner or volunteer working with families can start conversations about parental relationships. This can have a positive impact on reducing parental conflict.

What is parental conflict

Conflict between parents is a normal part of relationships and family life.

‘Parental conflict can be reflected in a wide range of behaviours, from constructive (helpful) to destructive (harmful) behaviours. Harmful behaviours in a relationship which are frequent, intense and poorly resolved can lead to a lack of respect and a lack of resolution. Behaviours such as shouting, becoming withdrawn or slamming doors can be viewed as destructive. Parental relationship distress is different from domestic abuse. This is because there is not an imbalance of power, neither parent seeks to control the other, and neither parent is fearful of the other.’ (Department for Work and Pensions).

Parental conflict is generally issue-focused. This is where: 

•  parents have differences of opinions or disagreements 
• there continues to be respect and emotional control 
• they can resolve or negotiate a solution 

Harmful conflict occurs where: 

• there are greater levels of blaming/personal insults 
• there is a focus on winning, so a solution is rarely found

The word 'parents' in this context refers to anyone in a parenting role. For example, carers, grandparents, aunties and uncles. Children are vulnerable to the impact of conflict whether their parents are together, apart or separating. 

Abuse and conflict are not the same thing.

Abuse is not a disagreement. It is the use of the below to govern and influence the other person’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. This can include, but is not subject to:

• physical abuse
• sexual abuse
• emotional or psychological violence or control

Where there is abuse, there is no discussion between ‘equals’. Abuse has a perpetrator where there is an imbalance of power. There is a pattern of behaviour and or incidents within an interpersonal relationship. An abuser seeks to control the other person. They use a range of abusive strategies to create an environment of fear to control their victim.

In domestic abuse, there will be an imbalance of power between the victim and the perpetrator.

When addressing conflict in a relationship, practitioners should be vigilant. You should be confident there are no indicators of domestic abuse. These include:

• fear
• imbalance of power
• controlling behaviours.

If there are signs of controlling behaviour this can be an indicator of an abusive relationship.

Tools and resources

Rise

The Rise App is a tool for parents to help them identify if they are in conflict or being abused.

Parent Relationship Spectrum

The Parent Relationship Spectrum is a tool to help understand if a relationship is healthy, has conflict or is abusive. It can be found under 'tools and resources' from 'for baby's sake'.

Keep an open mind and be curious and alert to an imbalance of power, or where at least one person feels fear.

The Equality Wheel

Looking at conflict resolution in a healthy and unhealthy relationship can be supported by using the Respect Wheel.

Cafcass

Cafcass has resources to distinguish between domestic abuse and harmful conflict for practitioners.  

Support for families

If you are vigilant and open to evidence of domestic abuse you can support a family as soon as concerns are raised.

If you identify any concern indicating domestic abuse:

1. You should follow your organisation’s policies and procedures to address domestic abuse.
2. The priority should be managing any potential risk of harm.

If anyone is in immediate danger from an abuser dial 999.

Discuss with your line manager or designated safeguarding lead for more information.

More information about services available to support victims is available on the Buckinghamshire Council website.  

Conflict happens when two people have different perspectives on the same thing. Neither is wrong, but they are seeing different perspectives on the same situation. It is easy to get frustrated when a partner is not seeing a situation the same way as we do. Everyday life stressors can cause conflict.

Possible causes of conflict

Parenting styles

We each have different views on parenting styles. This is often due to our own childhood experiences. Different parenting styles and influence from other family members can cause parental conflict. Family Links provides a range of accessible resources that can be shared with families. 

Finances

Some issues can lead to worries about not being able to buy necessities or pay the bills. These include

• debt
• overspending
• unexpected costs
• job loss

This can lead to strain on relationships and result in parental conflict. More information is available on the Family Information Service website about Money and Benefits. 

Housing

Limited space or poor living conditions can be very challenging. Accessing help and support can relieve this stress. It can help to improve the situation thus reducing parental conflict. The Buckinghamshire Council website can provide further information about housing. The charity 'Shelter' can also provide further information.

Mental Health

Poor mental health can cause worry and anxiety for those involved. It can place a huge amount of stress on relationships as people try to navigate through these challenges. Information and advice about Mental Health is available on the Buckinghamshire Family Information Service website. 

Having a new baby

Bringing a baby into the world brings so much happiness and joy. But it can also create strain and challenges for relationships. A new baby’s addition to the family can mean changes to routines, work, friendships, and finances. The NHS website has guidance for families with new babies.

When parents live together, conflict might present as: 

• low mood
• negativity 
• withdrawal 
• a change in parenting style 

For parents living apart, there might be an inability or refusal to communicate. There might also be accusations and prolonged court proceedings. It can be difficult to feel like an effective parent if there is only occasional contact with a child.

Supporting families 

As well as looking out for the above signs, there might be a time when someone will come to you for support. This moment may be subtle and it could:

• be a one-off comment at the end of a session,
• or they might bring up an unrelated issue in the middle of a conversation.

The most effective way to recognise parents going through conflict is to ask. Make it part of the initial conversation. Ask about their relationship. For example, “How’s your partner at the moment?”. Please see the resources section for additional questions and strategies.

 

We can start a conversation about relationship conflict by thinking about the impact on children. Evidence shows that it can have a long-term, negative impact on children. This is particularly true when conflict is frequent, intense, and not resolved properly.

It can affect their long-term mental health and future life chances. Early intervention is necessary to support co-parenting couples to resolve conflict and has the greatest opportunity for successful outcomes.

Children are more than able to pick up on the tension between parents, which can make them worry. We know as a parent or carer, the last thing wanted would be to harm their child in any way. Even indirect exposure to conflict can have a serious negative impact on a child or young person.

It can also damage the parent-child relationship. Children often struggle with loyalty and sometimes feel compelled to ‘pick a side’. This may be the case even if the parents are not actively trying to get the child on their side.

Useful resources

This Healthy Relationships video can be a good tool to use with parents. It can be used to help them understand and identify the impact of conflict on their children.

'See it differently' videos are of parents in conflict. They reflect to find solutions based on witnessing the impact on the child. It includes a section for co-parenting and many different examples and resolutions. It can be great to watch with parents and discuss:

• how the scenarios can relate to their challenges
• how they can imbed the positive solutions in their family lives

Mental health

Children and young people

Frequent, intense, and un-resolved conflict between parents can place children at risk of:

• mental health issues
• behavioural and social issues
• academic problems

Even if a parent manages to sustain a positive parent-child relationship, evidence shows that inter-parental conflict can lead to children having problems with:

• school and learning
• negative peer relationships
• physical and mental health
• wellbeing
• potentially starting smoking and substance misuse.

In the long-term, it can also lead towards:

• Poor future relationship chances
• Reduced academic attainment
• Lower employability
• Heightened interpersonal violence
• Depression and anxiety

Evidence on the impact of parental conflict on children shows that where a child lives with both parents in the same household, more than 1 in 10 (12%) have at least one parent who reports relationship distress. Children living in workless families are twice as likely to experience parental conflict than in families where both parents are in work.

Parents and carers 

Economic pressure can impact a parent's mental health. This can cause relationship problems and difficulties with parenting. These difficulties can include:

• reduced parental sensitivity
• time spent interacting with their child

This can lead to harsher parenting practices which are linked to future difficulties for children and adolescents. These difficulties include

• externalising (such as antisocial behaviour)
• internalising (such as anxiety) problems
• academic
• physical health difficulties
• social and interpersonal relationship problems.

The Buckinghamshire Familly Information Service has lots of advice and support including:

• money and benefits
• homelessness and housing
• mental health 
• health and wellbeing
• and much more. 

Recognising the impact

Children will display different behaviours when impacted by conflict.

Externalising behaviours

• Becoming aggressive towards others
• Antisocial behaviour
• Struggling to socialise
• School refusal and/or a change in behaviour at school
• Being excluded
• Going missing from home
• Vulnerable to exploitation
• Becoming known to youth justice services

Internalising behaviours

• internalising their feelings
• Withdrawing from surroundings and friends
• Less engaged with their environment
• Being quiet and withdrawn
• Needing support from children’s mental health services
• Depression potentially resulting in self-harming behaviours

Parent-child

Being a parent-child is where a child takes on the role of an adult and provides emotional support. Acting as a parent-child includes: 

• taking responsibility for things that should be that of the parent
• trying to mend the relationship between parents
• attempting to make things better

Camouflage

Camouflage is where the child is very quiet and stays still. They make themselves as unobtrusive as possible. The child presents behaviour designed to avoid being noticed. For example:

• looking ‘happy’ on the surface
• displaying behaviours that help them to “fly under the radar”
• avoiding drawing parents’ attention or anger to themselves

The voice of the child is the active involvement of children and young people. It is more than practitioners simply seeking their views. It is about:

• asking about their life
• asking about their daily lived experience
• including them in decision-making about the support they can get

There are lots of ways to help a child talk about what parental conflict is like for them and what they would like to change. It can be helpful to use tools where they can draw, write freely or be creative. This can be more effective than direct conversation. Social Worker Toolbox has a range of tools including Three Houses, Life Paths or Faces.

Practitioners should be aware of local services and options for children. This is so you can explain ‘what happens next’. Take accurate notes so the children don’t have to repeat themselves. Ensure you are writing ‘word for word’ what the child or young person is telling you in their own voice.

Practitioners should ask questions to gain a clear understanding of ‘what is happening’ for the young person, rather than ‘what is wrong’.

Open or move conversations on empathetically with comments like:

• ‘I can hear that..’
• ‘It can be hard….’
• ‘I wonder…’
• ‘You sound….’

‘Empathy is your ace card’, (Family Links). Remember the importance of empathy, trying to understand, and showing that you understand the feelings behind the behaviour. It can be helpful to focus on the feelings before trying to focus on the behaviour, question or advice.

Sharing the child’s voice with parents impacts parental behaviour. Parents in conflict may be hearing it for the first time. This can be a compelling, pivotal moment and kickstart the change cycle.

Resources

The “My Family’s Changing Activity” booklets are a great resource for professionals created by CAFCASS. They aim to support children/teenagers as they navigate the challenges of their parents’ divorce. These interactive activity books:

1. offer colourful and engaging exercises
2. addresses basic questions that children/teenagers may have about the divorce process

The activity booklets provide age-appropriate information in a relatable format. They educate and assist children/teenagers in understanding and coping with the difficult circumstances surrounding their parents’ divorce. It is a valuable tool to help children/teenagers:

• express their emotions
• process their thoughts
• find comfort during this significant life transition.

There are 2 versions available to download. One for primary-aged children and the other for secondary school-aged children.

My Family's Changing: Primary school-aged children [PDF, 1.2MB]

My Family's Changing: Secondary school-aged children [PDF, 1.6MB]

Impact on parenting

It is normal for poor communication between a couple to impact how they parent together.  It is challenging to parent well when experiencing conflict with the co-parent.

When entrenched in conflict, many parents use up their emotional energy on

• thinking about the conflict
• taking part in the conflict
• avoiding the conflict

This makes them become less emotionally available and can impact their parenting.

Emotionally unavailable

When conflict consumes or distracts a parent it takes up headspace. This leaves them with less energy to meet their child’s emotional needs.

Compensating

When a parent knows there is a difficult and negative atmosphere they over-compensate. For example, being more lenient, more relaxed rules and giving gifts.

Harsh

Conflict is stressful, so it is normal to have a lower tolerance for misbehaviour. A parent may become harsher or stricter in their parenting style.

Dismissive

A parent may feel overwhelmed so they may not complete simple parenting tasks. They may ‘let things go’ more.

Authoritarian

Where a parent lacks relationship control, they may seek control elsewhere. They can restore some sense of control in parenting.

Blaming

At times of conflict, a parent may look for someone to blame, which may include their child. A parent wants to place blame on others to absolve themselves.

Family Stress Model

 

 

(Early Intervention Foundation, 2017, https://www.eif.org.uk/resource/commissioner-guide-reducing-parental-conflict) 

 

The Family Stress Model shows:

1. Pressure from health, finance and housing causes parental distress.
2. These can lead to both parents being in psychological distress.
3. The parents' distress leads to parental conflict.
4. When parental conflict is the main cause of poor parenting, fixing the parenting issue alone is unlikely to be effective. The interparental relationship needs to be addressed as well.

Parents and their mental health

Parents are at increased risk of anxiety and depression when there are worries in a family. For example housing, finance, physical and mental health problems. This emotional distress then leads to an increase in conflict. Conflict can increase the likelihood of harsh or inconsistent parenting. Harsh parenting can increase the risk of negative outcomes for children. These include anxiety, difficult behaviour, health issues and educational attainment.

Keeping Your Child In Mind support programme

The Keeping Your Child in Mind (KCIM) programme is Buckinghamshire’s Reducing Parental Conflict support programme for parents. KCIM is our 4-week programme for parents who are ready to reflect and make positive changes. This could include their own relationships, communication styles and parenting.

Our aim is to support parents to understand the importance of positive family relationships. It will also support parents whose differences in parenting styles have caused a communication breakdown. Each session uses knowledge and research about the impact of parental conflict. It aims to increase parents/carers understanding of the influence of their relationships on children. The sessions link this understanding with key strategies for:

1. maintaining and improving parenting
2. reducing parental conflict within families

The Buckinghamshire Family Information Service Reducing Parental Conflict area has more information and can be signposted to as well. 

Honest conversations

Parental conflict can be a sensitive topic for families. We know that conflict between parents is a normal part of relationships. Seeing conflict resolved in a loving or constructive way is important for children’s understanding of relationships. However, parents who are experiencing relationship difficulties can find it difficult to ask for help when they need it. They may feel ashamed and worried about being misunderstood or judged. 

Below are some examples of ways of having conversations with parents.

Language

Not all families identify with the term ‘parental conflict’. This can lead them to disengage because they feel they do not need the support. For example:

• Some parents are no longer in frequent communication. They may not see the way that they communicate as ‘conflict’.
• Some assume that family difficulties are for issues surrounding the child. Not the relationship with the other parent.
• Some parents misunderstand the difference between parental conflict and domestic abuse. Parental conflict may be falsely considered as another term for domestic abuse, or something that leads to domestic abuse.
• In some families, parental conflict may be connected to wider family conflict. This makes it difficult to see it as ‘parental’ conflict. For example, extended family members may be in conflict. This may eventually cause conflict between parents.
• More positive alternatives focused on ‘healthy parental relationships’ may work better with some families. This could be confusing for others, for example, separated parents. They might not see themselves as being in a relationship. This could be true when using expressions like ‘healthy relationships’ or ‘relationships matter’. It may help to clarify that the focus is on the co-parenting relationship specifically.

Approach

• Make sure you are prepared. For example, is English the first language? Is another communication method needed?
• What is the right environment?
• How do we start the conversation?
• What will your opening question be?
• How will you be fair to the parent that is not in the room?
• How can you avoid taking sides?
• Be mindful of confirmatory bias. For example, making our minds up early and seeking confirmation that we are right.
• How do we get real agreement for our next steps or plan?
• Keeping the parent/couple focused on the topic. This might mean bringing the conversation back to the impact on the children. This can be helpful to remain child-focused.

Active listening

• Pay attention. undivided attention and acknowledge the message.
• Recognise that non-verbal communication also ‘speaks’ loudly.
• Show that you are listening. Use body language and gestures to show engagement.
• Provide feedback. Our personal filters can distort what we hear. So can our assumptions, judgements and beliefs. Our role is to understand what is being said and to ask questions
• Defer judgement
• Respond appropriately. Active listening should encourage respect and understanding. We are gaining information and perspective.
• If you have any doubt about the clarity of your conversations with families, check in with parents and take accountability. “It is my responsibility to be clear and to help you to understand".

Motivational Interviewing

Motivational interviewing and active listening techniques can help to explore whether parents are experiencing conflict or domestic violence/abuse. Some of the below questions will help you explore where each family's relationship sits.

• What aspects of your relationship trouble you?
• What would you change if you had the opportunity?
• How safe do you feel at home and in your relationship? Where the relationship is not healthy, this is a really important question to ask.
  • If the parent feels safe at home, this will tend to suggest they are experiencing parental conflict and may need support. This could include further discussion, information about self-help and/or referral into our RPC programme.
  • If a parent says they are scared or feel unsafe at home this can suggest they are suffering domestic abuse. A referral to the local domestic abuse pathways may be appropriate.
• How comfortable do you feel about expressing your own views and opinions?
• How much choice do you have about your own life and family life? These questions might indicate the presence of coercive or controlling behaviour. Where is the joy in your life? Those in an abusive relationship may feel the lack of joy in their life and start to see the reality of the situation.
• What would your children say about life at home? What changes, if any, have you noticed in your children’s behaviour? These could lead to a discussion about the impact on the children experiencing conflict or abuse between their parents.
• What prevents you from asking for support? This question may lead to a discussion about how the parent and/or family could get access to the support they need.

Normalising support

Parents with relationship difficulties might feel ashamed about the occurrence of parental conflict. They may be worried about how the conflict affects their children/wider family. Reinforcing that parental conflict is common can help parents feel happier about accepting support. Use language which emphasises that conflict between parents occurs in many families for a range of different reasons. Although an issue that must be addressed, it is still common. 

(Race Equality Foundation, https://raceequalityfoundation.org.uk/parentalconflict/)

 

The GROW model is a tool to use when facilitating conversations around parental conflict and support.

GROW

Goal

This section of GROW is discussed at the beginning of the conversation. It can be referred to again from time to time to keep the focus moving forward, especially if the parent becomes stuck. Identifying what we want to achieve puts us on the path to accomplishing it. This is done by focusing on the solution rather than the problem. Some Goal questions include:

• What do you want? 
• Over what time frame?
• Where would you like to be on a scale from 1 to 10? 
• Imagine you have achieved it;
  • What does it look like? 
  • How do you feel? 
  • What are people saying to you? 
  • What are the benefits? 
• How will you know when you have achieved it? What will be the improved outcome? 

Reality

This is an exploration of the parents' world at the moment. These conversations help people to be clear about what is happening and how it is affecting them/their children. It provides an opportunity for viewing issues from different perspectives, ensuring child focus. Some useful questions include:

• What is happening at the moment? 
• How important is this to you? 
• If an ideal situation is 10, what number are you at now? 
• What impact is this having on you? How do you feel?
• What have you done so far? 
• Who else does this affect? 
• What are you doing that's working towards your goal? 
• What are the barriers to achieving your goal? 

Options

Parents should move naturally towards the options stage as their reality becomes clearer. It is hopeful that parents are feeling more positive at this stage and able to talk through the next stage. Some useful questions include:

• What are your options? 
• What could you do? 
• What has worked in the past? 
• What steps could you take? 
• Who could help you with this? 
• Where could you find out the information? 
• What might someone else do in your shoes? 
• Imagine you have achieved your goal. Look back on the journey and tell me how you got here. 

Notice that most of these questions are almost all open. You can keep asking these questions until the parent has stopped coming up with options. Once it seems that the list is complete, ask the closed question ‘Is there anything else?’. This helps to find out whether it is time to finalise the process. This question often results in new options. You can ask as many times as it continues to deliver outcome-focused discussion.

Will

Will is about discovering which actions parents feel they can achieve. Then putting a plan in place to move forward with those actions. Some useful questions include:

• What will you do about that? 
• How will you do that? 
• When? 
• What will it take for you to commit to that action? 
• What could you do to become more committed? 
• How often? 
• Where will you find that? 
• Who will you talk to? 
• What else could you do? 

When asked, ‘What will you do about this?’ there is a danger that parents will make a list of what they think they should do. They should actually be choosing what they feel is achievable. A classic example of this is when someone commits to joining a gym because they want to lose weight. If they won’t attend because they hate going to the gym, they would get more benefits from walking his dog every morning. That is something that is more realistic and achievable but provides a similar, positive outcome to change.

Core questions

These are some core questions that are worth trying to remember. They are always useful if we have an opportunity to talk to a couple or person about their relationship. Think of them as a first aid kit. They are there when we need to quickly respond to a conflict situation.

• If you felt like your relationship was in a better place, what would be different?
• What would you both need to do differently to get there?
• What might get in the way of you making these changes?
• How could you help each other overcome these barriers?

Bringing a new person into the world brings so much happiness and joy. But it can also create strain and challenges for relationships. New parents will have dreams and aspirations for their new child. But for many parents, the arrival of a new baby brings the reality of:

• sleepless nights
• post-natal depression
• wider family interference
• economic pressures.

Fathers’ depression can also play a part in conflict. Research found an average 10.4% of fathers become depressed both pre- and postnatally. The peak time for fathers’ depression is between three and six months after birth (Paulson & Bazemore, 2010). Research has also identified that 67% of new parents report a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction in the first three years of a child’s life (Gottman 2005).

The Early Intervention Foundation Supporting Healthy Relationships guide supports new parents in conflict. It offers:

• guidance
• research
• evidence-based strategies

Supporting parents at the early stages of conflict will help to reduce:

1. the impact and risk of conflict increasing
2. relationships breaking down

The My Week, Your Week questionnaire developed by the Race Equality Foundation can help parents to:

• Work out what they are doing and how they might use their time in a way that helps themselves. For example, feeling happier, calmer and more valued.
• See the other’s perspective
• Acknowledge each other’s feelings
• Re-evaluate roles if necessary

Parents who have a child with additional needs face added pressure in a range of aspects of their lives. This can have an impact on:

• finances
• quality time
• mental or emotional health

Parents can sometimes feel isolated from their friends, family, and their community.  It is difficult to adjust to new roles and parents may have different expectations.

A report written by Relate found the following about parents of a child with additional needs:

• They are more likely to experience lower relationship quality.
• Over a third of parents were in distressed relationships.
• They are more likely to be in distressed relationships. 34% of parents are in distressed relationships compared to 26% of parents of children without additional needs

Recognising conflict, the impact on their children and accessing support may be a low priority for families. They may be on waiting lists for assessments, identification of needs or educational support. Practitioners should use interventions that support communication. This is to help parents in destructive conflict recognise their own emotional needs. This can help them to parent together prioritising their child’s needs.

Tips for supporting parents

Below are some practical tips for supporting parents of children with additional needs. They are designed to help facilitate conversations.

1. There are different types of special needs. Do you have a set of inclusive terms that you can use with parents to discuss their children’s specific needs?
2. Different parents might use different expressions. For example, ‘needs’ or ‘disability’. They might have different understandings of what these terms mean.
3. Do you have conversations with parents about their language preferences? And if appropriate, the meanings behind them?
   • Some parents may understand disability as being caused by how society is organised, rather than by a person’s impairment or difference. Therefore they may prefer to use language which aligns with this view.
4. Do you have strategies to use to de-escalate situations if parents become frustrated or angry?

The Buckinghamshire Local Offer for SEND has lots of information. It can be a really good place to signpost parents/carers for further information and support.

The SEN Support Toolkit provides practical information, advice and tools to implement SEN support within a school setting. It's split into 4 sections covering the following 4 areas of need:

1. SEN support good practice
2. Supporting presenting needs
3. Working with families
4. Supporting change

Deployment and moving between bases impacts the life of military families. Both across the UK and abroad. There is no fixed pattern to this, and it depends on the role and the service. Each role can place extra demands on the families of those serving. A change of areas and schools creates high emotional challenges for both parents and children. This can be due to:

• moving areas
• having to form/reform friendships
• creating new support networks
• managing with one parent away for extended periods.

Even for those deployed locally, the nature of military service often means working weekends and time spent away from the family home.

All these factors can cause parental conflict and breakdowns in communication and relationships. This can affect both parent and child mental health and outcomes. Below are some ways to support military families. This is based on recommendations from families surveyed in the National Military Family Association Report on the Cycles of Deployment.

1. Help a family to be realistic in their expectations of themselves and of each other
2. Provide families with information about what they can expect before, during, and after deployment. Recognise that every child's response may be different based on
   • age
   • developmental stage
   • temperament
3. Offer ongoing discussions and support to families about return and reunion challenges.
4. Remember that families, even those with experience, do not always have the information and support they need.

Further support to signpost parents to can be found on the Buckinghamshire Council website: Support for the armed forces. 

Additional resources

Webinar: Supporting military parents with their relationships 

Strengthening and Supporting Military Families and Families Facing Challenges

 

Supporting families in the LGBTQ+ community

It is important to support parents and children/young people so they can talk to you safely. Having a non-judgmental space to explore open and honest discussion is vital to enable you to provide appropriate support.

Practical tips for supporting LGBTQ+ families

1. Do you have a set of inclusive terms that you can use with parents? For example, ‘parents’, ‘carers’, and ‘partners’ might be used instead of ‘mothers’ and ‘fathers’, ‘husbands’ and ‘wives’.
2. Avoid saying something is 'normal' when discussing sexual orientation and behaviour.
3. Do you ask participants how they want to be addressed?
4. Can you introduce yourself including your preferred pronouns? Or include your pronouns in your email signature?
5. Ensure any written communication or documentation uses gender-neutral language and gives inclusive options. For example, are there enough options for gender identities and sexualities? Do you provide the option to self-identify?

If you are new to supporting families in the LGBTQ+ community, you should familiarise yourself with LGBTQ+ and inclusive terminology. Stonewall has a list of LGBTQ+ terms to help you understand the terminology you may not know.

Parents can access advice and information on LGBTQ+ on the Buckinghamshire Family Information Service website.

Engaging Dad's in conflict support

When a parental relationship is in conflict, both parents matter. Practitioners may have closer connections with mothers. Often a father’s input is not valued as much as it should be.

Assumptions and personal history may influence our view of fathers. For example:

• Is there a culture of only working with Mums?
• Might you have any unconscious bias based on your own lived experience?
• Are you fearful of engaging with Dads based on what you know or have read about them?

It is crucial for fathers to play an active role in a child’s upbringing (unless they are a risk to their child’s safety).

Research shows that fathers and male carers have a significant impact on a child's:

• early development
• modelling
• later development including education and behaviour
• personal and family development including self-esteem and social skills

Helpful strategies

Some useful strategies that could help engage Dads include:

• Name their engagement from the start as expected and important.
• Proactively seek Dads out. Explain why you want to meet and acknowledge their role as a parent or carer.
• Show that you recognise the father’s role and have knowledge about their child and family.
• Engage with men’s versions of events in an open and exploratory way.
• Ensure fathers who do not take part are followed up with.
• Provide any interventions or support to both parents.
• Include Fathers who do not live with their children full-time whenever possible.

Talking to men

Below are some useful questions and prompts to help you talk with Dads. 

Engagement

• Contact information: Do you have/ask for their details?
• Language: Naming the individual role of being a father.
• Meetings: Are timings inclusive to enable men who work to attend? Are you holding separate meetings to enable both parents to share in an open and honest environment?
• Emphasise the value of their involvement.
• “Why do you think we are meeting today?”
• “What is going well for you as a Dad?”
• “Have you thought about what you would like to see change?”

Uncovering the stories of fatherhood

• “How did you feel when you first knew you would be a father?”
• “Tell me about your involvement in pregnancy and the early stages of your child’s life”
• Make the Dad role a routine part of conversations with Mum.

Uncovering challenges and identifying support

• “What do you need help in changing?”
• “How do you work out the division of the child-related responsibilities at home?”
• "Even in difficult situations, what do you feel you were able to do that made you feel good about being a Dad?"
• “How often do difficulties arise?”

Anna Freud have more guidance on supporting dads. 

 

 

Separation or divorce is a difficult time for the whole family. Despite the relationship breaking down, the family still exists. Therefore, parents should continue to communicate and work together for their children as best as they can.

When going through a divorce or separation it may be helpful to help parents consider some of the following ideas.

• Remain child focussed. Remember that your child has the right to a full and loving relationship with both parents
• A co-parenting plan. Working out a co-parenting plan can be a positive way to help communicate and manage shared child arrangements. This includes weekends, school holidays, celebrations, communication, finances, and education.
• Maintaining consistency. Having two different sets of rules, boundaries and expectations can be confusing and unsettling. Aim to remain consistent as much as possible.
• Helpful communication. Calm, consistent and purposeful communication with your co-parent is important. Try to think about how your communication influences your children’s well-being.

Strategies to reduce conflict

Below are some ways to try and reduce conflict between parents. 

• Consider and ask each other’s views, be willing and open to compromise and negotiate.
• Make sure everyone has an opportunity to voice their view. Provide time for the other person to respond, wait and listen.
• Communication is key. Celebrate things you agree on and use this in future discussions.
• Involve your support network. The network around you, of friends, family, and community, is an essential part of supporting families during conflict. Identify your support network and don’t be afraid to reach out for support from them.
• Coping strategies. How do you manage strong feelings or being upset? Do you have coping strategies you find helpful? Talk to your network, do they have suggestions?

Destructive and constructive conversations

Understanding how to hold constructive conversations can be key to reducing conflict. Below are some examples of destructive vs constructive conversation indicators.

Destructive

• Using insults to make your point
• Interrupting to get your point across
• Using past examples to prove when you’re right
• Telling your partner/co-parent what they should or shouldn’t do

Constructive

• Explain your own feelings
• Accepting that your partner/co-parent may have different feelings
• Active listening
• Supporting each other to feel heard and respected
• Being willing to negotiate and compromise to find a solution
• Using ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements

'I' statements

Using 'I' statements can help us to talk about difficult feelings and situations. It helps to name how the problem is affecting us and stops other people from feeling blamed. For example: 

‘You are always late, and you never listen!’

Using an ‘I’ statement rather than a blaming ‘you’ message can help you get your feelings across in a positive and productive way. Try saying ‘When you run late, I feel really overwhelmed having to do everything by myself. Please can we talk about this?’

By using ‘I’ statements you are taking ownership of your feelings and emotions. Expressing those in a healthy and constructive way and positively communicating forms healthy communication strategies.

Useful resources

Family Links have 'I' statement practice sheets you can use. 

CAFCASS will support parents going through Family Court proceedings. 

Relate has information and support for families on separation and divorce. 

Identifying parental conflict

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse model describes the destructive behaviours used in distressed relationships. 

Negativity within relationships develops from a pattern of destructive communication. The inability to break this cycle can lead to emotional and physical separation. The model of the four horsemen shows them on a spiral staircase. Each of the four horsemen builds to make a destructive cycle of behaviour. These specific behaviours are:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

We can support parents in identifying the signs of feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Agree together to take a break or time out. If you still need to discuss the problem, then pick it up when you are calmer. Having time away from a challenging discussion provides the opportunity to take time to calm down. It can also help to see things differently. Try to see walking away from a disagreement as a strategy and not rudeness. You can see things clearer and behave more calmly. Try saying “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”. 

Relationships scales

Use the Relationship Scale to explore how each parent rates their situation on a scale from happy to distressed. This can highlight differences in how they are experiencing their relationship.

(Knowledge Pool, Working with Parents in Conflict) 

Solution-focused questions are useful to help parents think about:

• where they are now and where they would like to be,
• how they have coped with challenging times in the past,
• how they might find their way back to being okay in the future.

 

By using solution-focused questions, we are:

• stopping a dependency from forming,
• giving families the skills they need to find their way forward and create resilience.

Stages of a relationship

This model shows how relationships evolve. It helps to ‘normalise’ the difficult phases and reminds them that things can get better. It is often during the transition between these stages that conflict occurs.

 

(Knowledge Pool, Working with Parents in Conflict) 

 

Parents can find it reassuring to know that these stages exist and are normal.  It normalises the difficult phases and reminds them that things can get better. The root of their conflict can be that they are on a different step than their partner.

Being on different steps is also normal. However, it can create challenges in a relationship. There may be a need to understand why the other person is in a different place.

As practitioners, we can ask parents how they might support each other. This can take time and skill to understand one another’s needs. Don’t try to mend anything using the stages of a relationship model. Use it as a springboard for a couple to better understand their relationship and to begin constructive discussion.

Exploring the causes of conflict

The Vulnerability Stress Adaption Model

The Vulnerability Stress Adaptation model helps parents understand the connection between stressful life events and their past histories. This can be linked to methods they may use to cope with stress or conflict.

 

(Knowledge Pool, Working with Parents in Conflict) 

 

The Vulnerability Stress Adaption Model shows: 

1. The Enduring Vulnerabilities or the ‘stuff we bring with us’ to a relationship.
2. Stressful events that happen to both people in a relationship increase the feeling of stress.
3. The adaptive process or ‘how we communicate’ in a relationship.
4. The relationship quality. This is dependent on the previous three. All three factors influence how people behave in relationships.
5. The couple's interactions and the quality of the relationship lead to successful or difficult outcomes.

This model helps us to build a more detailed picture of what the parents are going through. It provides more relevant, focused questions during discussion.

We can help parents to look at their history and their own experiences growing up. This increases their understanding of how the past may have affected adulthood. It also helps to understand the impact it may have had on their thinking and behaviour.

The attitudes, beliefs, and values we hold are often entrenched and even unconscious. They are reinforced over time and have become our behavioural patterns. At times of stress, negative underlying beliefs can surface. This can influence behaviour and decision-making. By understanding how stress affects us we can learn how to cope in a way that works for both people in a couple.

Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviours

The Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours model helps couples to recognise how they internalise observed behaviour. This in turn affects how they feel, impacting their response. This can help couples understand each other’s behaviour.

If you change the way you behave towards each other, that affects your thoughts and feelings.  A couple can change the way they feel about one another by taking responsibility for the way they behave. For example:

1. Observed Behaviour: When you ignore me when you are watching TV
2. Thought: I think this means you don’t want to be around me
3. Feeling: This makes me feel unloved
4. Behaviour: I do the washing up loudly in the kitchen to let you know I’m not happy

Our typical day

Our typical day identifies how the family see their typical day and the key stressful points.

We can use a template to explore with families what happens in everyday life. Ask parents to write down what their routine looks like on a typical day in the morning, afternoon and night. We can then consider if those events are a trigger to conflict.

Are there flash points in a typical day when they are more prone to getting into a conflict situation? For example, trying to leave the house in the morning, getting children to bed at night or mealtimes.

We can work with the family to find alternative ways to behave to avoid harmful conflict.  When they are calm, they could discuss why these triggers happen and what they could do to change things. Each person takes responsibility for doing things differently, avoiding conflict.

Constructive versus destructive

Constructive and destructive conversations provide the opportunity to discuss behaviours with parents. It allows you to identify if they are present in their relationship. To do this exercise draw 3 columns on a piece of paper with the following titles:

• Always
• Sometimes
• Never

Ask the couples or individual parents to think about the behaviours listed below. Place them in the ‘always,’ ‘sometimes,’ and ‘never’ columns as they apply to them. Next, ask them what they would consider to be constructive and destructive behaviours.

Download a copy of the behaviours [PDF, 118KB]

Using solution-focused questioning helps couples:

• identify how they could change their destructive behaviour

• increase the positive behaviours

This is a tool to start and aid discussion with parents. Reassure parents that it is normal for destructive behaviours to creep into a relationship unnoticed. Let them know that identifying this is the first step. It is important to help parents recognise the impact that the behaviour has on the other person.

Help parents focus on what they are doing well and what they could do differently to meet each other’s needs. Give each person’s thoughts and feelings equal importance. Give them the chance to discuss perspectives to create a more positive connection.

Constructive and destructive behaviours to discuss

1. Starting an argument as soon as my partner walks through the door.
2. Accepting that you might disagree.
3. Asking each other's point of view.
4. Listening to the other point of view without interrupting.
5. Keep repeating your views until your partner recognises you are right.
6. Interrupting to get your point of view across.
7. Withdrawing from the conversation as it's not going your way.
8. Recognising that whilst you may not agree, your partner has a valid point.
9. Allow each other the opportunity to express your views.
10. Tell your partner what they should do.
11. Using examples from the past to prove that you are right.
12. Interrupting your partner whilst they are speaking.
13. Pointing out your partner's flaws when they support your argument.
14. Using insults to make your point and share your feelings.
15. Choosing the right time.
16. Raising your voice to make sure you get your point of view across.
17. Explaining how the situation is making you feel.
18. Have a solution in mind to the problem and don't change your mind.
19. Check out what you agree about.
20. Show you understand the other person's point of view.
21. Ending an argument both feeling that you have been heard.
22. Ending an argument feeling upset and angry.
23. Considering issues from someone else's point of view.
24. Offering solutions to problems but being willing to compromise and listening to others' suggestions.

Steps for negotiating

Steps for Negotiating can help parents to understand how to better communicate to both feel heard. This should lead to a more positive outcome. This is part of the Family Links Parenting Programmes and advice.

The problem-solving model

The problem-solving cycle is a continuous cycle of improvement. It can be repeated as many times as needed.

 

(Department for Work and Pensions) 

 

1. Identifying the problems 

Ask yourself what the problem is. Define in specific terms what, when, where and why, it is a problem.

2. Defining goals

Try to define your goals. Make them as realistic and achievable as possible. What would the situation look like when the problem has been solved?

3. Brainstorming

Take time to brainstorm possible ways to resolve the problem.  There are usually several ways to reach a goal, and the first thought isn’t always the best. Write down all and find 6 to 8 varying alternatives. Do not evaluate the options now, but try to generate as many ideas as possible.

4. Assessing alternatives

Before deciding on a plan, for every option you came up with in the previous step do the following:

• Weigh the positive effects and negative consequences that each solution would bring.
• Consider how they will impact each parent and the child.

5. Choosing the solution

Carefully weigh all the solutions. The best solution is not always the option with the most pros or the least cons. Think about what means more to you. Which solution can highlight the positive effects that matter the most to you?

6. Trial it

Try out the chosen solution. When you have decided on the best option, work out how to give it every chance of working and then give it a try. Don’t worry about failure or potential problems.

7. Evaluation

It’s time to evaluate your success. Set a time with your partner or co-parent to review how the solution worked out. Review any unexpected consequences. If you were successful great, if not don’t worry.

Maybe you did not quite choose the right solution, or the situation changed. Remember a review can be a good learning experience. Take this new information and return to the beginning and try again or use it the next time a problem comes up.

 

 

Relationship support

Relate

Relate offers counselling for:

• children and young people
• people in relationships
• families

They have a network of centres and can be contacted by email, phone and live chat. They also offer practical tips and guides to help manage common relationship issues.

Relate also offers support and guidance on menopause and its impact on women in relationships. 

Other organisations and resources

• Marriage Care is a national charity, specialising in adult couple relationships.
• Citizens Advice offers free confidential advice online, over the phone and in person.
• DAD info offers peer-to-peer support and advice for Dads.
• The Fatherhood Institute raises the profile of 'involved fatherhood'.
• Working with Parents Guide, Knowledge Pool [PDF, 556KB] 

Reducing Parental Conflict videos

• The Good Things Foundation have created a selection of videos to show the impact of parental conflict on children and young people. 
• Changes and Stages by OnePlusOne talks about some of the different stages in a relationship and how to get to a place of mutual respect. 

Co-Parenting Apps

There are a number of co-parenting apps available which offer share calendars, expense functions and ways for parents to communicate with each other. They each have their own offering and range in costs. These include:

• AppClose
• Our Family Wizard 
• 2Houses 
• Talking parents

Research and practice guides

The Early Intervention Foundation Reducing Parental Conflict hub is a central hub of key ‘what works’ evidence and tools. It includes why parental conflict matters for children’s outcomes, and guidance on how to take action. The hub will continue to grow as new evidence and tools are created. 

The RPC hub is aimed at those who are looking to reduce the impact of parental conflict on children. For example:

• local leaders
• commissioners
• practitioners
• researchers