Impact of conflict on children

We can start a conversation about relationship conflict by thinking about the impact on children. Evidence shows that it can have a long-term, negative impact on children. This is particularly true when conflict is frequent, intense, and not resolved properly.

It can affect their long-term mental health and future life chances. Early intervention is necessary to support co-parenting couples to resolve conflict and has the greatest opportunity for successful outcomes.

Children are more than able to pick up on the tension between parents, which can make them worry. We know as a parent or carer, the last thing wanted would be to harm their child in any way. Even indirect exposure to conflict can have a serious negative impact on a child or young person.

It can also damage the parent-child relationship. Children often struggle with loyalty and sometimes feel compelled to ‘pick a side’. This may be the case even if the parents are not actively trying to get the child on their side.

Useful resources

This Healthy Relationships video can be a good tool to use with parents. It can be used to help them understand and identify the impact of conflict on their children.

'See it differently' videos are of parents in conflict. They reflect to find solutions based on witnessing the impact on the child. It includes a section for co-parenting and many different examples and resolutions. It can be great to watch with parents and discuss:

• how the scenarios can relate to their challenges
• how they can imbed the positive solutions in their family lives

Mental health

Children and young people

Frequent, intense, and un-resolved conflict between parents can place children at risk of:

• mental health issues
• behavioural and social issues
• academic problems

Even if a parent manages to sustain a positive parent-child relationship, evidence shows that inter-parental conflict can lead to children having problems with:

• school and learning
• negative peer relationships
• physical and mental health
• wellbeing
• potentially starting smoking and substance misuse.

In the long-term, it can also lead towards:

• Poor future relationship chances
• Reduced academic attainment
• Lower employability
• Heightened interpersonal violence
• Depression and anxiety

Evidence on the impact of parental conflict on children shows that where a child lives with both parents in the same household, more than 1 in 10 (12%) have at least one parent who reports relationship distress. Children living in workless families are twice as likely to experience parental conflict than in families where both parents are in work.

Parents and carers 

Economic pressure can impact a parent's mental health. This can cause relationship problems and difficulties with parenting. These difficulties can include:

• reduced parental sensitivity
• time spent interacting with their child

This can lead to harsher parenting practices which are linked to future difficulties for children and adolescents. These difficulties include

• externalising (such as antisocial behaviour)
• internalising (such as anxiety) problems
• academic
• physical health difficulties
• social and interpersonal relationship problems.

The Buckinghamshire Familly Information Service has lots of advice and support including:

• money and benefits
• homelessness and housing
• mental health 
• health and wellbeing
• and much more. 

Recognising the impact

Children will display different behaviours when impacted by conflict.

Externalising behaviours

• Becoming aggressive towards others
• Antisocial behaviour
• Struggling to socialise
• School refusal and/or a change in behaviour at school
• Being excluded
• Going missing from home
• Vulnerable to exploitation
• Becoming known to youth justice services

Internalising behaviours

• internalising their feelings
• Withdrawing from surroundings and friends
• Less engaged with their environment
• Being quiet and withdrawn
• Needing support from children’s mental health services
• Depression potentially resulting in self-harming behaviours

Parent-child

Being a parent-child is where a child takes on the role of an adult and provides emotional support. Acting as a parent-child includes: 

• taking responsibility for things that should be that of the parent
• trying to mend the relationship between parents
• attempting to make things better

Camouflage

Camouflage is where the child is very quiet and stays still. They make themselves as unobtrusive as possible. The child presents behaviour designed to avoid being noticed. For example:

• looking ‘happy’ on the surface
• displaying behaviours that help them to “fly under the radar”
• avoiding drawing parents’ attention or anger to themselves