Supporting constructive communication

Constructive versus destructive

Constructive and destructive conversations provide the opportunity to discuss behaviours with parents. It allows you to identify if they are present in their relationship. To do this exercise draw 3 columns on a piece of paper with the following titles:

• Always
• Sometimes
• Never

Ask the couples or individual parents to think about the behaviours listed below. Place them in the ‘always,’ ‘sometimes,’ and ‘never’ columns as they apply to them. Next, ask them what they would consider to be constructive and destructive behaviours.

Download a copy of the behaviours [PDF, 118KB]

Using solution-focused questioning helps couples:

• identify how they could change their destructive behaviour

• increase the positive behaviours

This is a tool to start and aid discussion with parents. Reassure parents that it is normal for destructive behaviours to creep into a relationship unnoticed. Let them know that identifying this is the first step. It is important to help parents recognise the impact that the behaviour has on the other person.

Help parents focus on what they are doing well and what they could do differently to meet each other’s needs. Give each person’s thoughts and feelings equal importance. Give them the chance to discuss perspectives to create a more positive connection.

Constructive and destructive behaviours to discuss

1. Starting an argument as soon as my partner walks through the door.
2. Accepting that you might disagree.
3. Asking each other's point of view.
4. Listening to the other point of view without interrupting.
5. Keep repeating your views until your partner recognises you are right.
6. Interrupting to get your point of view across.
7. Withdrawing from the conversation as it's not going your way.
8. Recognising that whilst you may not agree, your partner has a valid point.
9. Allow each other the opportunity to express your views.
10. Tell your partner what they should do.
11. Using examples from the past to prove that you are right.
12. Interrupting your partner whilst they are speaking.
13. Pointing out your partner's flaws when they support your argument.
14. Using insults to make your point and share your feelings.
15. Choosing the right time.
16. Raising your voice to make sure you get your point of view across.
17. Explaining how the situation is making you feel.
18. Have a solution in mind to the problem and don't change your mind.
19. Check out what you agree about.
20. Show you understand the other person's point of view.
21. Ending an argument both feeling that you have been heard.
22. Ending an argument feeling upset and angry.
23. Considering issues from someone else's point of view.
24. Offering solutions to problems but being willing to compromise and listening to others' suggestions.

Steps for negotiating

Steps for Negotiating can help parents to understand how to better communicate to both feel heard. This should lead to a more positive outcome. This is part of the Family Links Parenting Programmes and advice.

The problem-solving model

The problem-solving cycle is a continuous cycle of improvement. It can be repeated as many times as needed.

(Department for Work and Pensions) 

1. Identifying the problems 

Ask yourself what the problem is. Define in specific terms what, when, where and why, it is a problem.

2. Defining goals

Try to define your goals. Make them as realistic and achievable as possible. What would the situation look like when the problem has been solved?

3. Brainstorming

Take time to brainstorm possible ways to resolve the problem.  There are usually several ways to reach a goal, and the first thought isn’t always the best. Write down all and find 6 to 8 varying alternatives. Do not evaluate the options now, but try to generate as many ideas as possible.

4. Assessing alternatives

Before deciding on a plan, for every option you came up with in the previous step do the following:

• Weigh the positive effects and negative consequences that each solution would bring.
• Consider how they will impact each parent and the child.

5. Choosing the solution

Carefully weigh all the solutions. The best solution is not always the option with the most pros or the least cons. Think about what means more to you. Which solution can highlight the positive effects that matter the most to you?

6. Trial it

Try out the chosen solution. When you have decided on the best option, work out how to give it every chance of working and then give it a try. Don’t worry about failure or potential problems.

7. Evaluation

It’s time to evaluate your success. Set a time with your partner or co-parent to review how the solution worked out. Review any unexpected consequences. If you were successful great, if not don’t worry.

Maybe you did not quite choose the right solution, or the situation changed. Remember a review can be a good learning experience. Take this new information and return to the beginning and try again or use it the next time a problem comes up.