Practical tools for working with parents

Identifying parental conflict

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse model describes the destructive behaviours used in distressed relationships. 

Negativity within relationships develops from a pattern of destructive communication. The inability to break this cycle can lead to emotional and physical separation. The model of the four horsemen shows them on a spiral staircase. Each of the four horsemen builds to make a destructive cycle of behaviour. These specific behaviours are:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

We can support parents in identifying the signs of feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Agree together to take a break or time out. If you still need to discuss the problem, then pick it up when you are calmer. Having time away from a challenging discussion provides the opportunity to take time to calm down. It can also help to see things differently. Try to see walking away from a disagreement as a strategy and not rudeness. You can see things clearer and behave more calmly. Try saying “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”. 

Relationships scales

Use the Relationship Scale to explore how each parent rates their situation on a scale from happy to distressed. This can highlight differences in how they are experiencing their relationship.

(Knowledge Pool, Working with Parents in Conflict) 

Solution-focused questions are useful to help parents think about:

• where they are now and where they would like to be,
• how they have coped with challenging times in the past,
• how they might find their way back to being okay in the future.

By using solution-focused questions, we are:

• stopping a dependency from forming,
• giving families the skills they need to find their way forward and create resilience.

Stages of a relationship

This model shows how relationships evolve. It helps to ‘normalise’ the difficult phases and reminds them that things can get better. It is often during the transition between these stages that conflict occurs.

(Knowledge Pool, Working with Parents in Conflict) 

Parents can find it reassuring to know that these stages exist and are normal.  It normalises the difficult phases and reminds them that things can get better. The root of their conflict can be that they are on a different step than their partner.

Being on different steps is also normal. However, it can create challenges in a relationship. There may be a need to understand why the other person is in a different place.

As practitioners, we can ask parents how they might support each other. This can take time and skill to understand one another’s needs. Don’t try to mend anything using the stages of a relationship model. Use it as a springboard for a couple to better understand their relationship and to begin constructive discussion.

Exploring the causes of conflict

The Vulnerability Stress Adaption Model

The Vulnerability Stress Adaptation model helps parents understand the connection between stressful life events and their past histories. This can be linked to methods they may use to cope with stress or conflict.

(Knowledge Pool, Working with Parents in Conflict) 

The Vulnerability Stress Adaption Model shows: 

1. The Enduring Vulnerabilities or the ‘stuff we bring with us’ to a relationship.
2. Stressful events that happen to both people in a relationship increase the feeling of stress.
3. The adaptive process or ‘how we communicate’ in a relationship.
4. The relationship quality. This is dependent on the previous three. All three factors influence how people behave in relationships.
5. The couple's interactions and the quality of the relationship lead to successful or difficult outcomes.

This model helps us to build a more detailed picture of what the parents are going through. It provides more relevant, focused questions during discussion.

We can help parents to look at their history and their own experiences growing up. This increases their understanding of how the past may have affected adulthood. It also helps to understand the impact it may have had on their thinking and behaviour.

The attitudes, beliefs, and values we hold are often entrenched and even unconscious. They are reinforced over time and have become our behavioural patterns. At times of stress, negative underlying beliefs can surface. This can influence behaviour and decision-making. By understanding how stress affects us we can learn how to cope in a way that works for both people in a couple.

Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviours

The Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours model helps couples to recognise how they internalise observed behaviour. This in turn affects how they feel, impacting their response. This can help couples understand each other’s behaviour.

If you change the way you behave towards each other, that affects your thoughts and feelings.  A couple can change the way they feel about one another by taking responsibility for the way they behave. For example:

1. Observed Behaviour: When you ignore me when you are watching TV
2. Thought: I think this means you don’t want to be around me
3. Feeling: This makes me feel unloved
4. Behaviour: I do the washing up loudly in the kitchen to let you know I’m not happy

Our typical day

Our typical day identifies how the family see their typical day and the key stressful points.

We can use a template to explore with families what happens in everyday life. Ask parents to write down what their routine looks like on a typical day in the morning, afternoon and night. We can then consider if those events are a trigger to conflict.

Are there flash points in a typical day when they are more prone to getting into a conflict situation? For example, trying to leave the house in the morning, getting children to bed at night or mealtimes.

We can work with the family to find alternative ways to behave to avoid harmful conflict.  When they are calm, they could discuss why these triggers happen and what they could do to change things. Each person takes responsibility for doing things differently, avoiding conflict.