Separating or separated parents

Separation or divorce is a difficult time for the whole family. Despite the relationship breaking down, the family still exists. Therefore, parents should continue to communicate and work together for their children as best as they can.

When going through a divorce or separation it may be helpful to help parents consider some of the following ideas.

• Remain child focussed. Remember that your child has the right to a full and loving relationship with both parents
• A co-parenting plan. Working out a co-parenting plan can be a positive way to help communicate and manage shared child arrangements. This includes weekends, school holidays, celebrations, communication, finances, and education.
• Maintaining consistency. Having two different sets of rules, boundaries and expectations can be confusing and unsettling. Aim to remain consistent as much as possible.
• Helpful communication. Calm, consistent and purposeful communication with your co-parent is important. Try to think about how your communication influences your children’s well-being.

Strategies to reduce conflict

Below are some ways to try and reduce conflict between parents. 

• Consider and ask each other’s views, be willing and open to compromise and negotiate.
• Make sure everyone has an opportunity to voice their view. Provide time for the other person to respond, wait and listen.
• Communication is key. Celebrate things you agree on and use this in future discussions.
• Involve your support network. The network around you, of friends, family, and community, is an essential part of supporting families during conflict. Identify your support network and don’t be afraid to reach out for support from them.
• Coping strategies. How do you manage strong feelings or being upset? Do you have coping strategies you find helpful? Talk to your network, do they have suggestions?

Destructive and constructive conversations

Understanding how to hold constructive conversations can be key to reducing conflict. Below are some examples of destructive vs constructive conversation indicators.

Destructive

• Using insults to make your point
• Interrupting to get your point across
• Using past examples to prove when you’re right
• Telling your partner/co-parent what they should or shouldn’t do

Constructive

• Explain your own feelings
• Accepting that your partner/co-parent may have different feelings
• Active listening
• Supporting each other to feel heard and respected
• Being willing to negotiate and compromise to find a solution
• Using ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements

'I' statements

Using 'I' statements can help us to talk about difficult feelings and situations. It helps to name how the problem is affecting us and stops other people from feeling blamed. For example: 

‘You are always late, and you never listen!’

Using an ‘I’ statement rather than a blaming ‘you’ message can help you get your feelings across in a positive and productive way. Try saying ‘When you run late, I feel really overwhelmed having to do everything by myself. Please can we talk about this?’

By using ‘I’ statements you are taking ownership of your feelings and emotions. Expressing those in a healthy and constructive way and positively communicating forms healthy communication strategies.

Useful resources

Family Links have 'I' statement practice sheets you can use. 

CAFCASS will support parents going through Family Court proceedings. 

Relate has information and support for families on separation and divorce.