Working with parents

Honest conversations

Parental conflict can be a sensitive topic for families. We know that conflict between parents is a normal part of relationships. Seeing conflict resolved in a loving or constructive way is important for children’s understanding of relationships. However, parents who are experiencing relationship difficulties can find it difficult to ask for help when they need it. They may feel ashamed and worried about being misunderstood or judged. 

Below are some examples of ways of having conversations with parents.

Language

Not all families identify with the term ‘parental conflict’. This can lead them to disengage because they feel they do not need the support. For example:

• Some parents are no longer in frequent communication. They may not see the way that they communicate as ‘conflict’.
• Some assume that family difficulties are for issues surrounding the child. Not the relationship with the other parent.
• Some parents misunderstand the difference between parental conflict and domestic abuse. Parental conflict may be falsely considered as another term for domestic abuse, or something that leads to domestic abuse.
• In some families, parental conflict may be connected to wider family conflict. This makes it difficult to see it as ‘parental’ conflict. For example, extended family members may be in conflict. This may eventually cause conflict between parents.
• More positive alternatives focused on ‘healthy parental relationships’ may work better with some families. This could be confusing for others, for example, separated parents. They might not see themselves as being in a relationship. This could be true when using expressions like ‘healthy relationships’ or ‘relationships matter’. It may help to clarify that the focus is on the co-parenting relationship specifically.

Approach

• Make sure you are prepared. For example, is English the first language? Is another communication method needed?
• What is the right environment?
• How do we start the conversation?
• What will your opening question be?
• How will you be fair to the parent that is not in the room?
• How can you avoid taking sides?
• Be mindful of confirmatory bias. For example, making our minds up early and seeking confirmation that we are right.
• How do we get real agreement for our next steps or plan?
• Keeping the parent/couple focused on the topic. This might mean bringing the conversation back to the impact on the children. This can be helpful to remain child-focused.

Active listening

• Pay attention. undivided attention and acknowledge the message.
• Recognise that non-verbal communication also ‘speaks’ loudly.
• Show that you are listening. Use body language and gestures to show engagement.
• Provide feedback. Our personal filters can distort what we hear. So can our assumptions, judgements and beliefs. Our role is to understand what is being said and to ask questions
• Defer judgement
• Respond appropriately. Active listening should encourage respect and understanding. We are gaining information and perspective.
• If you have any doubt about the clarity of your conversations with families, check in with parents and take accountability. “It is my responsibility to be clear and to help you to understand".

Motivational Interviewing

Motivational interviewing and active listening techniques can help to explore whether parents are experiencing conflict or domestic violence/abuse. Some of the below questions will help you explore where each family's relationship sits.

• What aspects of your relationship trouble you?
• What would you change if you had the opportunity?
• How safe do you feel at home and in your relationship? Where the relationship is not healthy, this is a really important question to ask.
  • If the parent feels safe at home, this will tend to suggest they are experiencing parental conflict and may need support. This could include further discussion, information about self-help and/or referral into our RPC programme.
  • If a parent says they are scared or feel unsafe at home this can suggest they are suffering domestic abuse. A referral to the local domestic abuse pathways may be appropriate.
• How comfortable do you feel about expressing your own views and opinions?
• How much choice do you have about your own life and family life? These questions might indicate the presence of coercive or controlling behaviour. Where is the joy in your life? Those in an abusive relationship may feel the lack of joy in their life and start to see the reality of the situation.
• What would your children say about life at home? What changes, if any, have you noticed in your children’s behaviour? These could lead to a discussion about the impact on the children experiencing conflict or abuse between their parents.
• What prevents you from asking for support? This question may lead to a discussion about how the parent and/or family could get access to the support they need.

Normalising support

Parents with relationship difficulties might feel ashamed about the occurrence of parental conflict. They may be worried about how the conflict affects their children/wider family. Reinforcing that parental conflict is common can help parents feel happier about accepting support. Use language which emphasises that conflict between parents occurs in many families for a range of different reasons. Although an issue that must be addressed, it is still common.